Why You Should Never Pursue Her After No Contact Works

Why you should never pursue her after no contact works and she comes back.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 25-year-old viewer who has read 3% Man 16 times. He originally found my work after getting dumped four years ago by his ex. He made the mistake of resuming his pursuit of her every time she came back after no contact worked. Therefore, he keeps pushing her away and chasing her right back out of his life again.

He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a 25-year-old viewer and he says he’s read 3% Man 16 times so far. For those of you that haven’t read this yet, if you go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, just subscribe to the free email newsletter and the book will open right up in your web browser and you can read it for free on my website. So all these videos that I do, like this one, are based on the premise that you’ve at least gone through the book once or twice, and you’re endeavoring to read it 10 to 15 times and learn the baseline fundamentals. These videos are meant to help you fine tune and apply what’s in the book to your life, based on real world examples from literally all over the world that other guys are experiencing with the book.

So this particular viewer, he’s 25. He originally found my work about four years ago when he got dumped by this particular ex that he writes in about. He went into no contact. Then at some point he came across my work, started studying it, but the mistake that he did is he didn’t really follow what was in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, the article and video I did on that many years ago. What happened was and a lot of guys do this, what a lot of guys do is the girl starts coming back and then they make the mistake of pursuing because typically what’s happened is that, like in this guy’s case, he basically over-pursued her and chased her out of his life. Then she came back, she started pursuing, but then he basically restarted his pursuit again that she started to fade away.

I wrote about how I kind of learned this in my book because I was going through the same thing. Every guy’s got to learn this, and the only way you’re really going to learn it is when you’re in the process of dating, because it’s learning the balance between pursuing too much and not enough. Right, Rocky?

By the way, just so you guys know, Rocky is like 14, 15 months. Ocean’s about 12 and he popped her cherry a couple of weeks ago. So we might be having some puppies soon. Apparently 62 days gestation. So there’s that. Good job, Rocky! You slip one past the goalie. It was really interesting watching the two dogs, because as she got her first period and went into heat, he was trying to ride her and hump her and she was snarling at him like she did a minute ago, but he was just very stoic, very calm. He kept trying. Didn’t give up. Then next thing you know, they’re stuck together and she’s just there. It was interesting. Eventually, at some point, when she felt ready, she just let him slip it inside. Then they were stuck together for like, 45 minutes, and I noticed, her belly’s getting big, her nipples are getting really thick, big and hard. I hadn’t seen her in a couple of weeks. I picked her up. I was like, “Wow, she’s like, got some girth to her,” so there’s that. That’ll be interesting.

When it comes to no contact, what you notice is that like with the two of them, it’s really interesting watching because growing up, I had a male dog. I had a German Shepherd. Then we had Sunny. He was a male dog. I’ve never had a male and a female that around each other that weren’t fixed. It’s really interesting to watch the two of them, their interplay because Rocky’s very stoic, very chill. She tends to be very emotional. She’s kind of needy, just like a little girl. If you don’t pay attention to her, you guys may have seen it when I’ve been filming, they’re kind of sitting in my lap. She’ll start whining if she sees me showing him affection and petting him. She’ll start whining, crying and getting jealous that she’s not getting any, just like a little girl. So he was undeterred in his attempts to hump her, but most of the time he just kind of would chill out, and then she would kind of come back to him. Even a female dog behaves like a kitty cat does. These two are like always wanting to be by your side. They really take it personally when you leave them home and you go and do something without them, they take it as a rejection because they’re so used to being around us all the time. So that’s something to consider.

In this case, what this guy was always doing was he was over-pursuing because women need time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you, for their feelings, to develop. When you’ve chased a girl out of your life to the point where her feelings are platonic, she doesn’t want to date you anymore, she stuck you in friend-zone, or her ex is back in the picture, the more you chase, the more you pursue, the less her interest, her romantic interest is going to be in you, but when you move on and you go no contact, because no contact is not a strategy. It’s basically getting out from the negotiating table and walking away because the deal is not possible. Then what you have to do when the woman starts, because in almost all cases the guy pursues to the point where oftentimes she might even ghost him or blow him off because she just has no interest. Then a couple of weeks or a couple of months go by, like you’ll see as I go through this guy’s email, this has been on and off for four years, and it’s the same pattern over and over. What happens is she comes back and then he just picks up the pursuit again. Then her interest starts to fade and then he chases her away. Then they go to the point where they’re not talking, he’s in no contact, she comes back, she’s all hot and heavy at first, but instead of letting her come to him, at the end of the day, if a woman is unilaterally changed the terms of your relationship and she doesn’t want anything romantic, you don’t keep pursuing. A man who loves and values himself and who has choices and options is just going to go spend his time with somebody else who is excited to be with them. He’s not going to chase her. He’s not going to try to convince her. He’s just going to be, “Hey, she’s not in the right headspace. Maybe she’ll change down the road,” but when she comes back, you’ll always notice that her interest is higher and you’ll see it in this guy’s email. As soon as he starts re-engaging and trying to pursue her to move things along, her interest starts to fade again because it’s not her idea. So it is true that men, us guys, are supposed to start the courtship off, but usually by week two, week three, what’s happening is that she starts calling and texting, usually after you’ve slept together, because most women in the West sleep with a guy by the second or third date anyways. So after that happens, she feels comfortable, she feels safe, she wants to bond, she wants to connect.

Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. As Thich Nhat Hanh used to say, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” So what this guy does every time he starts pursuing again, she doesn’t feel free anymore, she feels smothered, and all she knows is the more she interacts with him, the more her feelings diminish. That’s why when you’re in this situation, you basically don’t treat it like it’s a brand new courtship, and that’s where a lot of guys go wrong. The girl comes back, they’re like, “Oh well, I went no contact. She came back. So I’ll just start pursuing her again,” but when you do that and that’s what I noticed and I detailed this in the book, is that when you’ve gotten rejected to the point where the girl doesn’t want anything to do with you or you’ve been friend-zoned, or she’s gotten back together with an ex-boyfriend or whatever it happens to be, you have to let her come to you at her pace. Even under normal circumstances, once the woman reaches out, and I talk about in the book that say, you start dating a girl for a few weeks and then you don’t hear from her for a week. Then you re-engage and make the next date, but once she really starts to like you and you guys have been sleeping together and provided you’re doing everything right, then what’s going to happen is she’ll continually engage with you and you’ll hear from her every day or every other day, that kind of thing. Then from that point forward, your pursuit is over. You don’t have to pursue anymore.

Where this guy keeps making the same mistake is that he keeps re-engaging and pursuing, and when he notices, her interest starts to fade, he doesn’t back off, he doesn’t match and mirror her lack of interest because women are like cats. Even female dogs kind of behave that way, kind of finicky. They come and go. They’re kind of moody. Especially Ocean. She’s very talkative, she likes to cry and whine. Especially when you’re putting the food out. She’s very emotional compared to Rocky, who’s obviously the boy. He’s very masculine, very stoic, very chill, very indifferent to everything for the most part. So the idea is to be more like Rocky, less like Ocean.

Viewer Email:

Hello Mr. Coach Corey Wayne,

My name is Bob. I’m 25 and I am sending you this e-mail regarding a lady I really like. First of all, right now I have read your book 16 times and I am on my 17th time reading it and taking notes in my notebook.

Well, it’s nice that he’s read it a lot, but the key is in applying it, because that’s where you really learn this stuff, because when you’re involved with somebody, you’re dealing with your emotions. It’s easy to understand this stuff intellectually when you’re single or you’re not dating anybody you’re really into, but as soon as you meet a girl and you’re really into her, it gets really hard for guys, especially that haven’t really mastered this to do more things right than wrong, to know when to back off, when to move forward, that kind of thing because it really does matter.

I also picked up Dale’s Carnegie’s book How To Win Friends and Influence People. My purpose in life is to be the best man for myself, for my dream-girl, for my future kids and for my friends.

Well, your purpose is your purpose and mission in life, whatever your life’s work is. So it’s great that you want to be the best man that you can be, but at the end of the day, what is your life’s work? Because the more you can get up and do something you love and you enjoy, that’s exciting, that’s compelling to you that you become good at over time, through time and repetition, the more you’re going to be happier, the more you’re going to feel confident, the more you’re going to have swagger and the more women are going to notice that. Women like that because it provides stability, because then they can depend on you to handle the stuff that the man is supposed to handle, and then they can relax and be more in their feminine.

Back in the summer (August) of 2021 when I was 22 years old, I met a stunning 29-year-old lady, I managed to seduce her and we hooked up. We started dating and because I came from a broken home with zombie parents, like you Mr. Wayne, I chased her out of my life. After two months (October) of dating, she said she didn’t want anything serious.

So he was probably kind of smothering her. She was starting to feel like I need space because she didn’t feel free. Remember, you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.

I was devastated and I started looking on YouTube for answers, then I came to your information which I started consuming, reading your book, and watching your videos. After she dumped me in October of 2021, we did hook up occasionally until Christmas of 2021. After that her interest in me was really low.

Probably because he didn’t disengage. He just kept pursuing.

Again, when you understand the book, this is why I say read it 10 to 15 times. You start to pay attention to her behavior and her actions and then you respond based upon her actions. When a guy hasn’t really read the book 10 to 15 times, he’s more focused on his interest and his feelings towards the girl and what he wants her to do, and he doesn’t really pay attention to the fact that she’s not reciprocating. That’s where you get into trouble. You don’t back off when you need to back off, and you keep chasing, you keep pursuing,and oftentimes it comes off as being needy and insecure. Most of the time guys get a little frustrated and butt-hurt that you’re not available, that kind of thing.

On May of 2022, I joined the army as a reserve officer, I completed the rigorous course top of the class. Few days before I graduate the course, I received a text from her, “Heyyy” (I know, girl’s best pick up line, ha ha). I set a date, we hang out, had fun and hooked up.

So in this case, because she blew him off, you don’t re-engage. You hang out, you have fun, you hook up, she leaves, you say, “Call me later,” but did he do that? No. He started pursuing again.

I send her a text after two weeks to meet up, but she said, “I am not looking for anything right now.”

So it wasn’t her idea. Again, this is detailed in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, but he was not paying attention because he was mostly focused on his interest in her.

After 1-2 months she entered a relationship with another guy (The ”ex”). She sent me a text in May of 2024, we hang out, had fun (kissing), but didn’t hook up because we didn’t have a place. Few days later, she called me to wish me happy birthday. I took it as an opportunity to set a date and I asked her when she is free to get together, she told me she recently had broken up with her ex. I told her, “Not a problem. Text me when you feel better.”

So that’s the right response. What’s happening is she’s reaching back out, trying to see what her options are like. There’s probably other dudes she’s contacting as well, and as soon as he confirms that he’s still interested, she takes time to heal or whatever, probably was still seeing her boyfriend because that wasn’t completely done yet, but three months later, she’s in a different headspace snd he did let her be. He was in no contact.

She texted me three months later in September, I set a date, we had fun and hooked up (I forgot to mention that I am very, very good in bed and she really enjoys it). She pursued me in the first two weeks and her interest was really high. I stayed off the phone, and called her only when 7-8 days had passed without her of contacting me.

That’s where you went wrong, dude, because this girl dumped you. You should not be following that. You’re treating her as if it’s somebody you just started dating and went a little cold on you. You’re not following the script that’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. The other thing is, when a guy is really emotionally invested, he looks for reasons and excuses to justify chasing, calling, pursuing and texting. He’ll talk to women that he knows and they’ll all go, “Oh, tell her how you feel,” even though it’s the opposite of what the book teaches. They’ll do it because they’re in a state of fear and they want to make something happen. They’re trying to take action. That’s what I call the Illusion of Action, and it just makes it worse when they do that. So he’s reaching out after seven, eight days of not hearing from her again. That’s a mistake.

To make long story short, after one month of our first date she became cold-ish and didn’t contact me for 12 days. When she did, I set a date and we had sex at a hotel. I called her seven days later…

Which again is another mistake.

…To ask for a date and we went out on a date, she was on her period and she couldn’t have sex (She said she wanted but she can’t on the first three days of her period), but she was very affectionate like every other time. She would hold my hand every time we were walking.

See, if he’d waited for her to reach out, she would have reached out when she wasn’t on her period.

She even took a photo of me, laying on me when we were sitting at the cinema. I told her she is very beautiful, and she said it back with great enthusiasm. Now attention! I called her eight days later to set a date, she said that she doesn’t know her schedule this week. I told her, “Not a problem. Text me when you are free.” She texted me after six days, “Just letting you know I can’t these days.” I replied, “Not a problem. Text me when you can.” She texted me again four days later, “What are you doing online this late at night?” I texted back in a funny way, “Work over time.” She laughed after 4-5 messages. I asked her out, she said she had lots of work, I said, “Text me when you free.” After 17 days she send me a voice-text saying that she hopes I am OK, that she respects me, appreciates me, and she really likes me, but she is still in love with her ex (Which she broke up with him probably around six months).

The ex is in the background. Again, this is why you don’t re-engage. It’s detailed in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, and this guy has been following me three years. I know he’s heard me say it, but he’s looking for reasons to chase because that’s always been his problem. So he dismisses 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back and he looks at things in the book that justify his continued pursuit, and he’s not really paying attention to what I teach. He’s also not really paying attention to her actions because he’s trying to move forward in the chase when she’s backing off.

At the end of the day, the ex is in the background. What typically happens when things are going well with the ex? You’re not going to hear from her. When things aren’t, you will hear from her. So what he’s doing is he’s calling and texting when things are going well with the ex when he hasn’t heard from her, and that causes her to know that he’s there. Doesn’t create any mystery. It doesn’t cause her to wonder if she may lose him to somebody else.

Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear, and he’s constantly making his interest and his feelings clear to her, and ignoring the fact that she’s still involved with the ex-boyfriend. Again, if this guy’s been following me, he’s heard enough examples and enough other video newsletters where guys are having the same problems, but again, he’s focused on his interests in her and he’s not really paying attention to her actions and her words. I guess she had broken up with that guy about six months before.

I told her, “Not a problem. Text me when you miss me terribly, or if it doesn’t work out, have fun.” I am in no contact and will follow the steps accordingly when and if she comes back, three times at my place, etc.

That tells me that’s right out of 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. So he is reading 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, he is familiar, but yet he’s doing the opposite of what it teaches, because if you’re in a situation like this guy has, you’ve gotten rejected, she doesn’t want to date you, then she runs off with some other guy or, in this case, this was a guy she’d already dated and was an ex, and it looked like two or three years she was with him again. It’s like all you’re going to do, every time you re-engage the pursuit, is chase her back into the arms of the ex. If you just hang back and let her do all the pursuing, then she’ll test the ex. He’ll probably start to pursue her and he’ll actually chase her into your arms, but he’s not doing that, and that’s why this shit goes on for so many months and he’s just spinning his wheels and not really getting anywhere, because as soon as their feelings start to go anywhere, he starts over-pursuing again. He shouldn’t be pursuing her at all. He should just be waiting to hear from her and making the next date when she gets in touch.

I know I am a great guy and a catch. 

Well, you don’t act that way.

I can’t tell you it doesn’t bother that she left but, I just feel like I love her and I want her to be happy either with me or without me.

Well the problem is that you’re not following what I teach dude, and you’re doing the opposite of what 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back tells you to do. Again, you’re all focused on your feelings and your interest in her, and you’re ignoring the fact that she’s distant and has a boyfriend. You got to let her come to you at her pace. Every time you start pursuing, you interrupt that process. You interrupt her attraction growing.

Will she go back to her ex? Even if she does, it didn’t work the first time, so she is just wasting her time, but I didn’t told her so because that is a rational thought and women are emotional and her emotions is that she is in love with him.

Will she come back? Who knows? As proven, the horse always comes back to the stable.

The horses always return to the barn, as we say.

I have dated other women in the past, but she was on my mind and wondering about her even when we didn’t see each other. She is 32, really, hot great body and we match characters, comes from good home, loves her father and so on. On one of the dates we went, she commented on how much I have changed and that I have the maturity of a 30-year-old.

Kind Regards,

Bob

Well, you’re still not there yet, dude. You just shouldn’t do any pursuing. Wait to hear from her. Make the next date. That’s what it says in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. I mean, this is going back and forth for years like a yo-yo. Just imagine all of the emotional and mental energy and time that has passed that this guy sits around thinking about her. You’re not going to be able to move on and be with somebody else when you’re constantly interacting with a woman like this, because you got to create a space for somebody to fill. You either let her fill it or somebody else will come in and fill it, but when you’re constantly pursuing and obsessing over a girl like this and only focused on your feelings for her, you’re kind of always in limbo and you don’t really create a space for somebody new and better to come along. So you got to let women come to you at their pace, especially when you’re in no contact like this particular guy was.

If you haven’t already signed up for our paying Members Only content, in the video description of this video, there are links to join on YouTube, on Spotify or my website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab once you get there. On the website, you can do a 7-day free trial so you can check out what kind of content you get for your money. You can do a monthly plan or an annual plan, and with an annual plan at the end of the 7-day free trial, you get a 25% discount on the annual premium for paying it upfront. So you get five additional paid members only newsletters like this one per week that only the paying members have access to. We have a weekly class for the 3% Man book and one for Mastering Yourself, where we literally go page-by-page in the books and discuss the content contents literally paragraph-by-paragraph, just to really give you another tool.

Like I said, by becoming a paying member, you get access to our weekly class on both the books that are my main books and tying them to current things, obviously with myself, the girls and Chunky because then I got the girls’ perspective that I share with you and the things that are in the book that they constantly validate, reiterate and share experiences in their own lives and their own relationships. I want to give you everything that you guys need so you don’t do things like this guy does, which is that he’s kind of just cherry picking things that justify pursuing because again, he clearly really likes this girl. That’s the hard thing, when you really care about somebody and you’re really into her, it’s hard to disengage.

So go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the “plans” tab and sign up for a 7-day free trial for our exclusive premium Members Only content.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.