How To Pull Back If You Smothered Her & Now She Needs Space

What you can do if you smother a girl with needy behavior and now she wants space.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a guy who got too dopey over a woman he met that he really liked. She is fresh out of a breakup and is clearly an emotional mess. He makes the situation worse by smothering her to the point she said she needed space.

I tell him what he can do differently next time because now he’s in no-contact. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy who did what a lot of us do who don’t know any better when we’re dating somebody we really like. He got a little too dopey, and she was actually fresh out of a breakup and clearly an emotional mess, as she admits. He makes the situation worse by kind of smothering her to the point that she needs space.

So I’ve talked about this in the book. If you got somebody in the middle of a divorce or fresh out of a divorce, fresh out of a breakup, you should expect a lot of hot and cold behavior, especially as they get closer to you. Oftentimes you got to remember, women, typically 75% of the time, are doing the dumping and the breaking up. So usually the guy gets dumped, he didn’t see it coming, and he’s trying to get her back. So it’s super important that if you’re dating a woman in this situation, you have to understand that she may be really hot for you and onto you, and then she’ll get kind of cold and distant, maybe emotional. Maybe she takes longer to reply.

You just have to remember, dating is like tennis. You hit the ball over the net and you got to wait for her to hit it back. As Thich Nhat Hanh used to say: “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” That’s a big part of this guy’s issue, is she doesn’t feel free to come and go. He doesn’t really give her enough time and space away from him to wonder about him, to think about him, to miss him, for her feelings to grow, for the anticipation to build, and then for her to come back, missing him and wanting to see him again.

So a guy who’s a little needy, a little neurotic, is checking in with her, and her contact is not from the place of, “Hey, I just want to see how you were. See how you were doing. I was thinking about you. I wanted to see you.” Usually he’s reaching out, trying to find out where he stands with her. If she still likes him because he’s worried, and it’s disconcerting for guys that don’t know any better that when she pulls back, they freak out and think, “Oh, I got to fix this. I got to get her back to the way she was.” You gotta understand, you just got to give her the freedom to come and go. If she’s dealing with a hard time or she kind of disappears, you have to let her do a lot of the reaching out and a lot of the pursuing. Then you just take measured steps by just making one date per week, because if the ex is trying to come back into the picture and you start smothering her and chasing her, you’ll actually chase her back into his arms, but if you kind of hang back and you notice that she’s a little distant, you just let her be, she’ll pull away from the other guy as well to test the strength of both of you, and when he typically is going to over-pursue, he’ll actually end up chasing her back into your arms.

So it’s important you don’t press your woman like this. Otherwise, you’re going to get multiple pullbacks, because I discussed his original email because he was in no-contact before, the title of that video, When To Make Dates & When To Hang Back & Let Her Wonder. So I think he’s fairly new to my work, and he’s just having a hard time with understanding that women are like cats. They come and go and you don’t take it personal, especially when they’re right out of a breakup. That’s just the way they are. You smother them, they’re going to bounce on you. You let them come to you at their pace, they’ll slowly get over the other guy. As their feelings grow, they reach out to you more. You make her feel safe and comfortable. You lead the interactions. You’re in your masculine, and once she really starts to fall for you, then the other guy will be out of the picture and she’ll come on to you at her pace. Remember, you got to let women come to you at their pace, especially women fresh out of a breakup.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

This is a follow up to an email you covered in your video titled, When To Make Dates & When To Hang Back & Let Her Wonder.

In my previous email, I mentioned that I was in no-contact after the woman I was seeing for two months needed space.

So again, whenever you hear, “I need space,” it’s because you’re pursuing too much or calling too much. You’re too focused on a relationship. You’re too focused on locking her down to a commitment, and you’re just not giving her enough time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you and miss you.

Again, that’s why the book is set up to where it’s our job to pursue in the beginning, but you’re just going to take small, measured steps no more than one date per week, where you reach out to her to set a date, and as her interest grows and she starts to feel safe and comfortable, usually after you guys start hooking up, that’s when she’ll start reaching out to you every few days. Then when that happens, if she’s reaching out twice a week, then you don’t really need to reach out anymore.

Again, if you continue reaching out when she’s starting to reach out two or three times a week, it actually becomes counterproductive. This way, it’s her idea to reach out to you. It’s her idea. In other words, she reaches out when she’s had enough space and she’s thinking about you, missing you and wants your presence. Then you can give it to her by making the date or inviting her over. Hang out, have fun and hook up. It just allows the woman the space and the freedom to come to you at her pace, without any pressure, and you don’t even need to talk about it. It’s just your calm demeanor, and your relaxed demeanor is what makes her feel safe to come to you like the mountain.

I went full no-contact, and she reached back out to me after about a week…

So that’s normal. She’s like, “I need space.” He did the right thing. He backed off and all she needed was about a week and she had enough space, and when she has enough space, that’s when the woman breaks no-contact. Then when she breaks no-contact, assume she’s had enough space and then just go and make the next date. That typically means she’s ready to see you again, as you’ll see here.

…And we went right back to hanging out and hooking up. She told me she wanted to take things slow…

Women help you when they like you. She’s telling him, “Don’t pressure me. Don’t rush me. Let me come to you. Don’t try to force things.”

…Since she’s mere months out of a marriage, brand new to the city, stressed about her new job promotion, and depressed about being away from her family who she’s very close with. 

That’s why you let her have that tension and you let her get to a place where she hasn’t heard from you, she starts to miss you, she starts to wonder where she stands with you, and then she reaches out. So you just have to give women that space.

Unfortunately, due to the fact that I’m very new to your work, I slipped back into needy behaviors (Engaging in text conversations, etc.)

So the text conversations weren’t really about logistics and setting up dates, which again, is what the book teaches. He decided he was going to try to get to know her through text and warm her up through text in hopes that her interest goes up, but what ends up happening is it goes the other direction because he’s not following the book.

Three weeks ago, we planned to meet at her apartment. Everything seemed totally normal. She kissed me, she was laughing, and she even gave me a gift that she had ordered for me online (A painting that I had mentioned I liked). After hanging out on the couch for a while, she suddenly started crying and told me she doesn’t have the mental or emotional bandwidth to seriously date due to all the details I mentioned earlier. She said about five times that she didn’t expect to like me as much as she does, wishes we had met “six months from now,” and feels really guilty for leading me on this much…

So that means he communicated that he cared too much about her. He’s probably getting a little butt-hurt and a little upset that he hadn’t heard from her in the time frame that he wanted, and she felt that.

So she likes the guy. He knows he’s a good dude, but she doesn’t feel free. Again, she’s right out of a marriage. She just moved to a new area, so he’s not letting her come to him at her pace. He’s trying to rush things because he’s afraid he’s going to lose her. Remember, what you fear you attract, and what you look at disappears. So he allows his fear of losing her to influence his behavior. He starts to pursue more. She feels smothered and she backs off.

…And is open to trying again in a few months. 

So when you hear something like that, you should just say, “Honey, you’re right out of a marriage. I understand some days you really want to see me, and other days you got shit going on you got to deal with, and that’s OK. Take your time. Just take a couple of days and reach out to me when you miss me.” So you want her to know that it’s OK. It’s OK to get emotional. It’s OK to lose her shit. It’s OK to cry and encourage that. “What else are you thinking? What are you feeling?” And you just say, “Well, we don’t need to not see each other for several months. It’s just, slow it down. I’m going to take off. When you miss me terribly, just hit me up and come over and we’ll make love again. Other than that, just take care of what you need to take care of. I’m totally OK. I’m in no rush. You got a lot of shit going on, so let’s just take it slow.” That should be your attitude.

Again, he’s so neurotic that he’s basically gotten her to the point where she feels like she can’t deal with his neediness, his neuroticism and constantly having to salve his ego because he’s hurt and he misses her. He takes it personally when she’s kind of cold and distant. So to her, it’s just not worth it to deal with this guy who’s getting overly emotional, butt-hurt, upset and needy, and she knows he’s a good dude, but she’s not really open to it. So for her, she’s just gonna bounce because it’s starting to feel like another relationship.

So she goes right from a marriage into a relationship with another guy who’s basically pressuring her, and he admits he did the same thing. She came back, and then he went right back to chasing and smothering her. So now she’s pushed him away. She’s gonna say, “Oh, I won’t be able to see you for several months.” Remember, last time she waited a whole week and then she reached out and they started hooking up again. She’s gotten overwhelmed. So she’s gonna run away, just say, “Take a few days, take a week or so. Whenever you miss me terribly, just hit me up. I’d love to see you. just take your time. No rush.”

Remember the Rumi quote: “Slow and steady, like the river that never grows stale.” No hurry, no rush.

The entire thing was super respectful and kind. We shared a tearful hug, parted ways, I sent her a way-too-sincere text when I got home, wishing her nothing but the best.

Again, more drooling, more dopey. This is just totally counterproductive. A woman saying, “I need space” and she’s pushing you away, yet you can’t help yourself but to send out another text to her, which is more of the same behavior that caused her to want space in the first place. So what you did by reaching out again was confirmed to her that she made the right decision by pushing you away because you can’t handle it. You can’t handle being with her and she doesn’t want to deal with the pressure.

She responded in kind, and reiterated that she’d love to reconnect in the future if the timing is right.

In other words, “When my feelings return, my interest goes up and I’m really wondering about you and I miss you, I’m going to reach out to you.” That’s basically what that means.

That was our last communication, and I have since been in full no-contact. 

It’s entirely possible that she was just blowing smoke up my ass with some of that stuff, but I genuinely feel zero anger towards her at all. I know her life is stressful as fuck…

And you added more stress to it. You didn’t listen to me when I told you what to do the last time. You couldn’t help yourself. You refused to exercise emotional self-control and now it stings like a motherfucker. I’ve been there, so you’re going to have to learn that every time you do this, you’re going to chase her away. So the pain that you feel is what happens when you focus on yourself too much because you’re focused on how much you like her, how much you want her, and how much you want to win her over, instead of letting her come to you at her pace and being the one to win you over.

…And she is a truly kindhearted sweetheart of a woman who I seriously want to be happy. 

Well, stop smothering her and chasing her out of your life.

I’ve been in some real deep emotional pain for the past few weeks.

Well, it’s like you did it to yourself, dude. I told you what to do. You didn’t listen.

Ocean’s humping her babies now. It’s like a fucking puppy orgy. You guys are nuts…

I feel like a fucking idiot for falling so hard so fast, especially because she mentioned all of her chaotic life details on our first fucking date, and I allowed myself to get way too invested. 

Well, you got all emotional, started acting like a woman and focusing on your feelings and how much you liked her, and you’re not even remotely applying what’s in the book. You’re just totally out of control. Masculinity is calm. So she needs calmness, chillness and unperturbedness from you, and she’s not getting that. You’re freaking out about everything, you’re taking everything personal, and you’re basically making her deal with another woman, which is you, because you’re acting like a chick all the time.

Just like she said, she doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with your neediness and your insecurity, and you constantly getting butt-hurt or offended that she can’t see you, doesn’t want to see you, doesn’t want to spend as much time, or is not as serious about you as you are about her, remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. What this guy is doing is he’s acting like a chick, which is ruining the sexual polarity and driving her away. It’s as predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west.

She still likes my posts and watches all of my stories almost immediately. I don’t plan on reaching out to her unless I hear from her first. 

What I would do if I were you is you should follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back and understand that your pursuit of her is done forever. You gotta let her do all the reaching out. Then you just set dates. The fact that she’s watching your stories and trying to see what you’re doing, because deep in the back of her mind, she’s worried that you might meet someone else and ride off into the sunset with her because you are sticking to no-contact at this point, which is good so she can be present with her feelings and start to worry and wonder about you, and wonder where she stands with you and start to think, “Oh shit, I drove this great guy out of my life and he probably met somebody else!” That is the type of thing that, as long as there’s still interest there, the last time it was a week and then she reached out. So it’ll be interesting to see how long it goes this time before she reaches out again.

Your work has really helped me navigate this process. I hope to hear from her in the future, which it seems is quite possible, but I will continue to read your book and become a stronger man.

Thanks Again,

Bob

Again, she needs calmness and masculinity from you. You can’t act like a needy, insecure chick and expect that to go well. So again, let her do all the reaching out and then you just make dates. Next time you hear from her, invite her over to your place, make dinner, hang out, have fun and hook up. She’s got to come to your place at least for three dates in a row. As long as you hook up all three times, then after that in the future, when she reaches out, you can make dates to pick her up or go on normal dates and things of that nature. Meet her out, that kind of thing, but let her come to you. Make dates at this point because any pursuit of her is counterproductive.

So this is a very easy situation to fix. I mean, I went through these things the last time, but again, it’s another email because this is really hard to do because you’re so emotionally invested. You can’t think or see straight because you get overwhelmed by your emotions. Then your emotions are like, as a man, “I got to do something. I got to fix something. I got to take action.” This is what’s called the illusion of action in the book. So you took so much action and she can’t deal with it. She just put you off, but now that she’s got the silence and time is going by, the fact she’s really engaged with your social media and paying attention to everything you’re doing, she’s keeping tabs on you, I would expect within a week or two she’ll probably reach back out, even though in the past she’s like, “Well, I’ll see you in a few months.” It’s like, emotionally, that’s what women do. They blow things out of proportion. They use hyperbole. “It’s the end of the world. Oh my God!” You just have to be like, “Yeah, she’ll be back.” So be patient. Keep reading the book. Follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Stop pursuing her. Let her do 100% of it, and then just make dates when you hear from her. It’s very simple, very easy to fix.

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