Men Who Understand Women Never Argue With Them

Why men who understand women never argue with them, but instead communicate like adults.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who just got dumped by his girlfriend of 9 months. He says he has read 3% Man over 20 times. However, he said that 90% of the time their relationship is great, but that in recent weeks they have been arguing. This makes her feel sad and she struggles to see past it. She said “we aren’t working” about their relationship during the breakup. However, she was very affectionate and now he is confused.

He packed his stuff and left and is in no contact mode, but wonders if he will ever hear from her again. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

A woman must feel heard and understood in a relationship. If she feels heard and understood, the legs open, and if she doesn’t, the legs close. And so, all of this arguing has gotten her to the point where she feels like he doesn’t understand her, he doesn’t get her, and she’s lost hope that it is fixable, because he has not shown that he is capable of communicating with her and making things work.

At the end of the day, us guys, we get blamed for everything. We’re supposed to be the leaders. So, if the relationship works, we get to take credit for it. If it doesn’t, then we get to blame ourselves for it. That’s part of what being a man is all about. If you don’t like it, there are sex changes that can be made, or you can date the same sex. I’m just here to tell you how it is. If you want to have a good relationship, you’ve got to communicate. You have to ask really good, high quality questions. You need to first focus on understanding the other person before you seek to be understood yourself by the other person.

I would have to say that, more than likely, if this girl broke up with this guy this quickly over this issue, she’s probably young, probably immature. It’s not a healthy thing for a woman to just break up with a guy. However, she did come right out and say, “we aren’t working.” And so, that tells me she’s gotten to a point where she’s like, “This is not fixable. It’s not salvageable. We’re having the same conversation over and over, and nothing’s getting resolved.” Because he’s 9 months down the line, and he’s probably, without realizing, reverting back to the way he used to be.

He’s trying to win an argument. And when it comes to women, even if you win the argument, you’re going to lose, because they’re still going to be pissed off. It just doesn’t work. So, you have to get to a place where she feels like you understood her and where she is coming from. And if she does feel that way, things are going to be easy and effortless.

Now, this is assuming it’s a mentally stable woman that is capable of communicating like an adult. Not the ratchets that all of the butt hurt beta guys in the red pill community are always getting involved with because they keep attracting the same people. Again, my book, the work, everything, the assumption is that you’ve got a normal, healthy woman. But if you don’t, if you’re involved with a ratchet, if you apply what’s in the book, you will bounce the ratchets right out of your life.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Corey,

Hope you’re good! I’ll make it quick. My girlfriend of 9 months broke up with me today. We had a great relationship 90% of the time, however arguments in recent weeks have made her feel sad and she said she struggles to see past it, “we aren’t working.”

So, in other words she gave up. “We aren’t working,” that’s just another phrase for “I don’t feel heard and understood. I don’t feel like he understands me. He’s not getting me. I’ve tried numerous times to get through to him, and we’re just arguing.” And so, it sounds like he’s trying to win the argument instead of trying to understand where she’s coming from, and most importantly, make her feel like he understands where she’s coming from, how what’s going on in the relationship has made her feel, maybe how it’s hurt her feelings, how it’s upset her.

He didn’t say what they were arguing about. Maybe it’s the same thing, I don’t really know. But the bottom line is, she got to a point where she’s given up, because she doesn’t feel like she can get through to him. She doesn’t feel heard and understood. Again, I’m assuming she’s a normal, healthy woman and not some kind of fruit loop.

When she was breaking up with me, we were actually grabbing a coffee together. She was crying her eyes out, constantly wanting to hug me, kissing me passionately. She told me countless times she loves me.

I’m sure she does.

I then asked her how she felt about me seeing other people and if she was okay with that, to which she replied “no,” however also said she had made her mind up even though she loves me so much.

I’d say she loves you, but she’s not in love with you. If you’ve been arguing all of the time, her interest is dropping. So, if her interest is dropping and her feelings are declining, she can still love you, but she definitely isn’t in love with you. It takes two to tango, and what she’s basically saying is she’s tapping out. If you bottom line her actions, she’s at the point where she doesn’t want to make the effort anymore because she isn’t feeling it. Her interest has dropped.

And one of the things that’s in my book is you don’t argue with women, yet he’s arguing with her constantly. So, he didn’t listen and he didn’t follow instructions. It doesn’t matter if you’ve read the book 20 times. If you’re doing the opposite of what it says, it doesn’t matter.

I went to her house, grabbed my things, (the whole time I was smiley, upbeat, and understanding, stating what I wanted and how I felt, and told her to call me if she changed her mind).

So, you’re going to have to be congruent with that.

When leaving her room, she stood in front of me and again kissed me passionately, hugged me like she didn’t want to let go and proceeded to tell me probably another 7-10 times how she loves me.

I don’t get it. Her actions and what she is telling me has confused me. I’m into no contact. What’s your take on this, and is there a likelihood I will hear from my dream girl again?

Thanks man. I appreciate the content and read your book about 20 times over the years.

Bob

Well, I’d be reading it again if I were you. But here are some things to consider. I’m assuming she’s happy, healthy and somebody you can work out your differences with. But if she’s a lunatic, if she’s not a good communicator… I did an article, “12 Principles For A Successful Relationship,” (or it may have been a different one), but I’ve talked about this over the years. There have been studies that have been done. And I did another video called, “Breakups As A Weapon,” where people, in order to get you to comply, they constantly threaten to end the relationship. They threaten to dump you or threaten to break up with you, and in 95% of those relationships where they’re doing that, it will never work out. Because, at some point, you just get tired of it.

You can’t work out your differences if the other person is constantly threatening to withdraw their presence from your life. That’s not loving. What that’s communicating is, “I’m willing to give up unless things change.” And, at the end of the day, you get to a point where you do need to give up on certain people. They just can not get their act together. He didn’t say anything about what they were arguing over, if it was something he was arguing with her about, or she was arguing with him. Maybe he’s upset at her. I mean, they were out on a coffee date, so maybe things were going sideways for the last several weeks. Maybe she was complaining he wasn’t spending enough time with her.

Oftentimes, just because of all the phone sessions I’ve done over the years, a lot of the times it’s the guy getting butt hurt over something she’s doing. She’s not paying attention to him, she’s not spending time with him, there’s not enough sex, whatever it happens to be. And it just makes it blow up on them. So, if a guy is complaining, and whining, and not romancing her properly, or communicating properly, the relationship is going to end.

Again, we’re going to assume she’s healthy and happy, and it was just the result of him not communicating. Because she says, “we’re not working,” so they’re not getting along. They’re not able to see eye to eye on whatever it is. But it takes two people. She has unilaterally changed the terms of the relationship. She has unilaterally decided she’s not going to make the effort. And so, the fact that she’s kissing him and holding on to him shows she cares, but if we take a step back and we bottom line her actions, she still broke up with him.

Women don’t dump men that they’re in love with, so this tells me she’s definitely not in love with him. She may love him and she may care about him, but at the present time, she no longer saw a future together, because her interest level was low enough, to the point where she was like, “This is a lost cause. It can’t work. We can’t fix this.” He wanted to work things out, but she says, “Hit the road, Jack!” So, he grabbed his stuff and he hit the road, and he ain’t never coming back unless she reaches out. And so, what’s the likelihood that he’ll hear from her again… 50/50, flip a coin.

But at the end of the day, you’re a free agent. So, I would get back out there. And I know you don’t want to, but start dating other women. Move on with your life. And if she’s like, “How did you move on so quickly? I’m a wreck,” it’s like, “You weren’t willing to work it out. It takes two to tango. So, if you’re unwilling to make the relationship work, and you unilaterally ended it, obviously, that tells me you didn’t value what we had very much. You weren’t really willing to fight that hard. We had a few arguments over the last few weeks, and your solution was just to end it, instead of trying to work things out. That just tells me that you don’t value what we had.”

“I’m not going to try to stay with somebody who doesn’t value what we have and what I bring to the table. I’ll just go find somebody else. That’s my attitude. I’m sorry if it hurt your feelings, but you broke it off with me. You refused to make things work in our relationship.” Never try to keep somebody in your life who doesn’t want to keep you in theirs.

At this point, you should be following the script from “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” If she ever reaches out, you’re not going to go meet her for coffee or any bullshit like that. It sounds like what it was, she asked to meet you for coffee so she could have the breakup talk with you. Because that’s an easy thing, it’s just a cup of coffee. She could do it in a public place, maybe because she’s worried about how you’re going to react. Then you go back and you collect your belongings, and you’re like, “I’m out of here.”

So, if she does reach out, she’s got to fix it. If she reaches out to you and she’s like, “Hey,” you’re like, “What’s up, babe? I miss you. I’d love to see you. We should get together and make dinner at my place. Why don’t you grab a bottle of wine and come on over?” Don’t go meet her out, don’t go pick her up. No more coffee, no lunch dates, no nothing. She’s got to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. So, that means that she’s got to come over and make dinner, hang out, have fun, and hook up while you’re there. You’ve got to make sure she feels heard and understood, and that means she’s got to do most of the talking. You have to get to a point where you ask a good, quality question, like, “What do you mean?”

I did a video with Jocelyn a couple of weeks ago. It was on Instagram. There was something she was explaining, I think it was emotionally unavailable guys. And what she was saying wasn’t really making sense. I kept digging, and I was like, “What do you mean?” It was cool, because we captured it on camera. Because the average guy that’s in a situation like that, she’s saying, “Well, guys are cold and emotionally distant.” And what was really the crux of it for Jocelyn was that she didn’t feel like he understood her emotionally. But she was saying that the guy wasn’t being emotional enough.

And so, that’s the importance of being able to ask really high quality questions like, “What do you mean?” And you see in the video I kept saying, “What do you mean? What do you mean?” And I really kept digging. And then come to find out it wasn’t really what she was saying, it was the opposite of that. And it was like, “Oh!” And I remember, look at the camera and I was like, “See how that works?” It’s an art. It’s not a black and white thing.

And I even asked her at the end of the video, “Do you feel heard and understood now?” And she’s like, “Yes.” I assume it was there, unless Caroline edited that part out. But it was a cool video to capture that, because these are things that happen spontaneously. It’s not something that happens that often, because men and women, we communicate differently. And so, you’ve got to ask great, high quality questions.

When you’re sitting down and she’s over at your house, you’re making dinner, it’s like, “How have you been? What’s up? What have you been thinking?” And let her talk. Let her do most of the talking. There was another video I did many years ago called, “How to Communicate with Women Effectively.” You should definitely be watching that one as well, because after reading this, your communication skills suck.

If you’re arguing with the woman, you’re not communicating with her. And that’s on you, because you should know better. You read the book 20 times and you did the exact opposite. And so, the fact that she broke up with you doesn’t surprise me. I don’t know whether she’s a fruit loop or not. I can’t tell. I’m assuming she’s normal and healthy. And more than likely, after a few days or a few weeks, she’ll probably reach back out and be like, “Hey, I miss you. This is really tough for me.” It’s like, “Well, great. Let’s make dinner.”

Again, she has to come to your place three times in a row to make dinner in the evening. And if she does that, and you hang out ,and you have fun, you hook up all three times, then you can start dating her and and going out on dates. But she’s got to do 100% of the pursuing when she comes back, because that will get her interest up. She’s got to get to the point where she feels heard and understood.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge, maybe you’re in a situation like this, you’re trying to understand your girl and you’re going, “I don’t understand what the hell she’s trying to say to me. It doesn’t make any sense,” I’m good at deciphering those things. So, you should go to my website, UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly, so I can help you resolve things.

The idea is we want to head these things off before the breakup has happened, and especially before the girl has moved on and moved in with a new boyfriend. I’ve had dudes call me over the years, and he’s like, “I want my girlfriend back. We broke up six months ago.” And I was like, “Okay, what’s going on now?” and he’s like, “Well, she lives with her boyfriend.” I was like, “What?!” I was like, “Dude, she’s moved on. I’m really good at what I do, but when she’s already living with somebody else, it’s kind of too late. She may come back in the future if that relationship doesn’t work out, but Elvis has left the building at that point.”

So again, UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session.