Employing no contact, moving on and being single again after a breakup.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is new to my work. He recently broke up with his girlfriend 2 months ago, which led him to my articles, videos and books. He shares his journey of overcoming heartbreak, being single again and getting back into the world of dating.
He describes how he’s using what he’s learning in 3% Man to start dating again, be more selective and create a life and lifestyle that continually brings new dating prospects effortlessly into his life. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
What I liked about his email is that the guy takes complete ownership of his mistakes. Because, as a man, until you accept that everything that is in your life is there by the tenor of your thoughts, your emotions, your actions, your intentions for your life, and the things that you allow and tolerate – because whatever you tolerate, you invite more of in your life – if you take complete ownership for everything that’s in your life and the situation of your life, good or bad, it’s all your fault. You either attracted it or you did things that attracted that into your life.
Because when you won’t accept responsibility, then you become unable to shape and change your destiny, because it’s not your fault. And if it’s not your fault, then there’s nothing to fix, nothing to change, nothing to move on from, nothing to get over, because it wasn’t your fault. As the late great Don Shula said, “Strong men blame themselves, weak men blame others.” And so, this guy is just being radically honest with himself about where he’s at, what he did right, what he didn’t do right. And he really put together a nice list of all the things that he’s focused on.
He’s gotten back into the dating world, and it’s usually pretty traumatic. I mean, most people, when they have a breakup from a long term relationship, the average person takes about a year and a half to completely emotionally get over that breakup and constantly thinking about that person or things of that nature. And so, the idea is you want to get there, get to that place, as quickly as possible. But you’ve got to take time to heal. It takes time to get over things. So, this guy has a good plan of action.
I’d say probably 80-90% of the people that come to me, they’re in this guy’s situation. They had a breakup, they’re trying to get an ex back, or they’re trying to recover from it. They don’t want to make the same mistakes. They want to attract somebody better. Maybe they had somebody they were in a relationship with that lied to them, that cheated on them, and they want to attract somebody that actually has integrity the next time around. So, they’re trying to fill in their knowledge gap.
Lots of other guys and girls email you with their tales of woe and “what do I do” but for me, having watched many YouTube videos and on my 3rd read of 3% Man, (I bought it in early December 2022)…
So, that’s about a month ago at this point. Today is January 6, 2023.
…I am basically going to summarize my past experiences and my latest break up, (mid Nov 2022), as being a guy that did pretty much everything WRONG. But no more excuses, I have the desire, passion and will to change because enough is enough. I want more from my life.
That’s where people get to. People won’t change, whether it’s losing weight or ending a bad relationship, or getting a better job, or asking for a raise, whatever it happens to be, until they get to that point where they’ve just had enough with things being the way they are.
Because when they’ve hit bottom, if you will, or they’ve hit the wall and they’re just like, “That’s it! Not another day of living this way. I’m doing something about it now,” that’s where you typically get to. And I like that, because people that have that attitude or adopt that attitude, they actually make the changes they need to make in their lives because they’ve literally gotten to the point where they’re like, “That’s it! I’m not going to live another day like this. I’m done with it.”
So, no excuses now. I take responsibility for my own mistakes and am now looking forward to a MUCH brighter future. This email I am writing is more of an “update” that perhaps others could learn and take heart from. I am 39 years old, male, from the UK and have been a professional engineer for over 20 years.
My timeline of my new journey is basically:
1. Broke up with my ex in mid Nov 2022. She is avoidant attachment style, plus I turned into a sap toward the end. Enough said.
Yeah, I was having a discussion with a guy the other night about his girlfriend and same thing, it was nervous avoidant. These people, when they get too close or it feels too close, they’re going to tend to dip. Now, if you’re displaying unattractive behavior like this client was I was talking to the other night, and he on top of that, he’s got an anxious-avoidant type of girlfriend who naturally is going to be kind of like the runaway bride, if you will. And on top of that, he’s smothering her and acting needy, which is going to turn all women off. Even normal, healthy women are going to get turned off. But when you do that with somebody that’s got this kind of an attachment style, it’s just worse.
And so, they tend to dip out quicker and they take a little bit longer to come back, and that’s why it’s so important, as a man, that you exercise self control, and you recognize that women are like cats, and you don’t take it personally when they just would rather go do something else than hang out with you. As a matter of fact, real men are like, “I’m going to finally get some peace and quiet in my life. This is great. I could use this. I can catch up. I can go see my mom, I can clean out my garage, I can work on my car, I can mow the lawn, I can lay in my backyard and sun my butt,” or whatever it happens to be that you like to do in your pastime.
You should be excited about that, instead of taking it as, “Oh, it’s a personal rejection. She doesn’t like me.” If the kitty cat gets bored, wants to go do something else, it’s like, “Go do something else. I’ve got plenty of other things I want to catch up on.” And guys that don’t know any better, they do the opposite. They become needy and clingy, and they try to force the woman to stick around with them longer. And it’s the same thing, like when a cat has decided it’s done purring, and it’s had enough of you petting it, and it wants to go do something else, it just gets up and leaves.
And if you go and you run after the cat and you pick it up and forcefully put it back in your lap, it’ll sit there for a bit. It’s not going to purr anymore, but it’s going to dip again. And if you keep going after it, it will haul ass and stay away from you. And women are the same way. So, if it wants to leave, you just have to have the attitude of, “Hey, if you think you can find a better time, go do that.”
Not saying you’re giving your girl permission to go and cheat. Because when I say things like, people flip out in the comments. But you have to give the person the freedom to come and go, and when you do that, when you “love in such a way that the person you love feels free,” as Thich Nhat Hanh used to say before he passed away, then it gives her the freedom to come back. Because love is allowing. You’re allowing the other person to be who they are, and you celebrate who they are, and you encourage them to be that.
2. Sad phase for a few weeks trying to “reason and logic” my way back into relationship, despite giving her 2 weeks space to let her decide how she feels, as she said I give her the “ick” but she is confused because I’m a great guy. Yeah, bollocks to that shit! Attraction was lost, simple! 20-20 hindsight!
So in other words, she lost attraction for him. But mentally, she’s like, “I should be more into this guy.” But again, women only care about how they feel about you, not how much you like them or what a good guy you are. It doesn’t matter. They only care about how they feel. That’s the way it is. I didn’t make them this way, so don’t complain. Complain to the big man upstairs.
3. I was looking for ways to “win my ex back,” which initially led me to your work
4. As time went on and the hurt healed, plus your videos pretty much playing all the time and absorbing the experiences of others, I bought 3% Man, early December 2022.
5. Realizing all the shit I have done wrong, I ACCEPTED that this is basically a “chalk it up to experience” relationship and my last message was, “You’re a great girl, etc., but I accept you want to end the relationship. If you change your mind, it would be lovely to hear from you.” No contact since, (early December, I didn’t even do Christmas or New Years, how awesome am I, ha-ha!).
Yeah, because most guys in that position would have continued to call and send messages, send cards, and want to send gifts, and the woman is just not going to care. She’s pushed you away. She doesn’t want to keep you. You never try to keep somebody in your life that doesn’t want to keep you in theirs. So, you let her go. Tell her to get in touch if she changes her mind.
6. By my 2nd read, I could feel my mindset changing from “trying to get ex back” to “Holy shit, I am a free man, lets learn from my mistakes and go out and see what ladies are out there!”
7. I sign back up to dating apps and get 60+ likes in the first few HOURS on Tinder, (I used your template of dating profile on showing what I am looking for in a woman – all positive, no bullshit, anger or bitterness coupled with some decent photos).
So he’s talking about the article that I did, the ultimate online dating profile. It’s really a mindset. It’s creating a dating profile that pre-screens the women. It’s the the mindset of, “Here’s what I’m looking for. If you match this, reach out, let me know. And if we click, hey, maybe we’ll get together for a drink.” And so, what it does is, as women read through it, it causes them to go, “Oh, he’s describing me.” And if she likes you or you pass her physical attraction test, she’ll reach out.
But remember, with the online dating, 80% of the women have their height filter set to six feet and above, even though in person all the same women have all dated men that are under six feet tall. But on the dating apps, they’re putting down what they think they want. And yet, if they meet a guy in the real world and he’s not six feet, they’ll still go out with him if they like him and they feel attraction for him. So, you’ve got to keep that in mind. If you’re under six feet tall, 80% of the women have already set their filter. They want a guy six feet and above. Just keep that in mind.
Plus, it helps if you’re really good looking. I mean, Chad Thundercock cleans up on the dating apps. If you’re just an average looking dude, you’re just not going to have as many matches on those particular sites. That’s why approaching women in person, really it’s about having a great social life. When you’re not working, you’ve got a lot of fun things to do with like-minded people. You just go out and you live your life, and you just meet women as a side effect of that.
That’s the best way to meet women because it’s natural, and you have mutual friends and acquaintances in common. It gives you social proof if you’re hanging out with a bunch of girls that you know. Some of them could be your hot sisters, or your hot cousins, or your best friend’s hot sisters, whatever it happens to be. Women see you hanging out with other beautiful women, and they assume you’re probably sleeping with some of them, or all of them, or have slept with all them, or some of them, or whatever. It makes you more attractive in their eyes.
Whereas, when you’re online with Tinder, or any kind of dating app, Bumble, whatever it happens to be, you don’t have that advantage. Such a huge majority of people these days are always on their digital device. And if you can develop the skills that I talk about in “3% Man” and just meet women naturally, as a side effect of your life, you’re going to do really well. So, it’s really super important, your social life and setting that up properly.
8. On the 3rd read through, (as of 3rd Jan 2023), I am having great fun messaging women, just being the guy I WANT to be. If I say a rude joke and they get offended / don’t reply, who gives a fuck? They FILTERED THEMSELVES OUT, because they don’t have my sense of humor.
Yeah, you’ve got to be willing to make mistakes, and piss people off, and find your the sweet spot, where you can really be authentically you, but also display your attractive side.
My little “power saying” when a girl ghosts / stops talking / whatever reason: “THANK YOU FOR NOT WASTING MY TIME.” (Possible video title idea? Ha-ha!)
That’s a good attitude to have. You’re looking for compatibility, at the end of the day. Just like when you meet women in person, “Am I compatible? Is she good for me?”
9. I don’t even bother reading ladies’ profiles during the swipe phase because what women SAY and what they DO aren’t always congruent.
Definitely true. If you guys have been watching the podcasts I do with the girls, you see that all the time, and that’s why we do them.
I am a man, and my nature is to be PHYSICALLY attracted, so why not embrace it. I don’t want to date ugly women, so why should I waste my emotional energy on them? (I can practice talking with plenty of average people around town, etc.)
Also, I used to be the guy that would write out thoughtful first messages to get attention, which now feels like approval seeking behavior.
Yeah, if you set your dating profile up the right way, women are going to be trying to get your attention, and that’s what you want. They’re designed to do that anyway. When it comes to dating apps, that’s what I like the most about Bumble is that women already on that app are set up to start chasing the guy to seek his attention and validation. And that’s natural. That’s how women are going to be most natural anyway, so a dating app to facilitate that is great. If they’re always chasing you, you don’t have to worry about getting dumped.
Now it’s a simple “Hey, how’s it going? Hope you had a good Christmas / New Year.” If a woman can’t be polite or is NOT INTERESTED / ATTRACTED enough to reply to that, then again, it comes back to “THANK YOU FOR NOT WASTING MY TIME.” This time saving approach really stops me over investing and wasting energy and is my first “filter” for the ladies. I have literally had VERY ATTRACTIVE WOMEN reply and have conversations with me even with supposed “boring” first messages.
Well, that’s because they’re attracted to you, simple as that. There’s enough attraction. That’s why they laugh at your jokes that aren’t really that funny, because they like you and they want you to know that they like you. Women help you when they like you. It’s much better to spend time with women that like you and want to be around you than women you’re trying to convince or win over. You shouldn’t have to do that with any of them. They should be trying to win you over.
I think this is because I act like a MAN, LEAD BY MESSAGING FIRST, (equivalent to approaching a girl at a bar), and basically just going for it. Being POLITE, COURTEOUS and FRIENDLY has gotten me more responses than taking ages crafting the perfect message.
Well, when I was on dating apps, I didn’t do any first messages. But a guy that’s newly single, it’s great because it forces you to do interactions. Repetition’s the mother skill, and you need to get good at it. Plus, inaction breeds fear and doubt. Taking action breeds confidence and courage. And so, if you’re trying to get back out there, that can be helpful.
Plus, it’s fun. It’s fun to try different openers. And as you can see here, it really doesn’t matter. You’re opener could be anything. If the girl likes you, she’ll engage with you. And if she doesn’t, she’s going to ignore you or ghost you. And you want to give your attention to women who appreciate and value it, not try to get the attention of women who couldn’t care less.
10. In the blank page of the 3% Man cover, I WROTE DOWN the 1st date questions from one of your YouTube videos, so I have it as an easy reference guide. I have used these in my text exchanges to great effect. Girls that were usually a sentence or so responses end up sending PARAGRAPHS and tells me a lot about them. Awesome filtering technique.
Yeah, that video and article is referenced in the book, “Pickup & Date Questions That Build Attraction.”
11. At this stage I am genuinely feeling AWESOME, MASCULINE, and if ladies don’t reply for a few days, who cares? Others match with me and message and I talk to them. It’s a beautiful cycle of match, chat, silence, reaching back out. I actually get to a point where I have several responses waiting, and I can’t be bothered to reply for an hour or so, ha-ha!
Well, one is no choice, two is a dilemma, and three is a choice. And the more choices you have with the ladies, the more you’re going to be cocky, the more you’re going to have a little bit extra swagger, and that’s what you need, because women love that. They love guys that are confident.
12. I am embracing being a great single guy that’s high value, and so what if I don’t have a relationship. It gives me PLENTY of time to do the things I enjoy, be my own man and work on my mission, drives, passions and desires. This is my fun bus. Come along for the ride or get the fuck off, because there’s others who would love a seat.
13. As a final thought, I now feel at the stage with my ex that IF she reaches out in the future, then she definitely needs to WIN ME BACK.
Yeah, well, she’s the one who pushed you away. Just like “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says,” then she’s going to have to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. That’s why she’s got to do all of the pursuing.
But life will go on beautifully without her. I learned so much from that relationship, and I will always be grateful. I don’t hate her or anything like that, and I genuinely wish her all the best in whatever she does. In truth, I am now starting to feel more like I WANT to move on and explore this new version of who I am, because DAMN, there are A LOT of great women out there that I haven’t met yet!
Well, like I say in the book, there’s another bus every 15 minutes.
I would love to keep you updated on my journey if that’s cool.
Send in some good updates.
It’s been just over a month, but I already feel like my mindset is changing for the better and it reflects in my attitude to my work, going to the gym, hopes and dreams for the future, and even improving socializing skills to find other 3% men. Keep up the great work. You have helped out another dude!
My sign off note for your followers:
IF THEY ACTUALLY TAKE THE TIME TO READ, ABSORB YOUR CONTENT IN “3% MAN,” AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR ACTIONS AND MISTAKES, AND LEARN FROM THEIR EXPERIENCES, THEY WILL ALSO NOTICE DRAMATIC CHANGES IN THEIR LIFE VERY QUICKLY. I AM NOT QUITE A 3% MAN YET, BUT I AM ALREADY ON THE FUN BUS AND PUTTING IN THE WORK. ONE MONTH IN, AND I ALREADY FEEL RE-ENERGIZED, BETTER LIFE PERSPECTIVE AND READY TO ROCK!
So, isn’t that great? Two months after his breakup, and he’s got a completely different attitude, he’s got all these choices and options. He’s getting better, and now he’s in the mindset. And this is what I talk a lot about; if you had a breakup, this is why you’ve got to immerse yourself in the book and get back out there. Because there’s nothing better to change your attitude than a brand new, drop dead gorgeous woman that you never knew, never met, all of a sudden shows up in your life and is smiling at you, hoping that you come over and talk to her. It makes the pain of a breakup just completely go out the window.
And so this guy did the work. He’s putting in the effort. And so that’s why he feels better, versus somebody that has been sitting home, going out and hanging out with his friends, and crying about the fact that his girlfriend is ignoring him, and never responded to his Christmas card, or his messages, or never even said thanks for the Christmas gift that he mailed, or whatever it happens to be. This guy focuses on himself. That’s why it’s so powerful.
Say this ex-girlfriend does get back in touch, and now his attitude is like, “I don’t think I really even want her back.” When you’re in that mindset and she starts to reach out, and you have other women of similar or better quality than her in your life – because you’ve gotten better, because you’ve been applying what’s in the book – now you’ve got choice. This is where a man is supposed to be.
And so, it’s going to be much easier, if you’re one of those guys that’s trying to get back together with your ex, because maybe you turned her off by a lot of unattractive behavior and drove her away. When she comes back, you are literally the best version of yourself, a more attractive version than the last time she interacted with you, and that’s why it’s so powerful. She ends up having to work to get you back, because you’re not so quick to go back to her. You’ve got all of these other interesting choices and options now. Now, you get to kind of experience what it’s like being the hot girl with all the dudes after you.
So, this is the right way to handle if you’ve had a breakup. It gives you lots of other choices and lots of other options. Plus, it puts you in the right frame of mind and you get experience. And so, when the ex does come back, you don’t get overwhelmed by your emotions and start displaying a bunch of unattractive behavior, and then drive her away, once again, by doing the same things that turned her off a second time.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
*Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc. or its affiliates. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. **Free with a new Audible.com membership
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: [email protected]
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur