Are you a quitter? Do you sometimes sabotage your own success? I remember during football practice when I was in high school when we would hit the sled. The coach would stand on the sled and 4-5 of us at a time would line up and then hit and drive the sled back while the coaches yelled “dig, dig, dig, drive, drive, drive” so we would keep our feet and legs moving and pumping even though the sled was not moving. In football, when you run into a pile of people or several people are trying to tackle you, you are trained and conditioned to keep your feet and legs moving and pushing even when you are going nowhere. Why? As you switch legs and try to push forward with all your strength, it changes the leverage and angle of your body. This will sometimes cause you to spring free or at least get an additional yard or two before the other teams guys tackle you to the ground. The key is to continue to move your legs and fight for every last inch of yardage even when you are going nowhere.
I have a client who either purposefully sabotages his own success, or uses his bullshit story to not take any action at all. He fulfills his need for love and connection with other human beings by whining about what is missing from his life. They all feel sorry for him and he continues to meet some of the basic six human needs (certainty, variety, significance, love and connection, growth and contribution) in a dysfunctional way.
A few months back, some really awesomely good friends of his thought enough of him to set him up with one of their super hot friends. It was a two hour drive and he had plans to go up and spend the weekend at his friends house, and he and the girl they set him up with could hang together for the weekend. My coaching client and her exchanged phone numbers and pictures. She thought he was a biker God! He rides a Harley and drives an 18 wheeler big rig (he hates his job) for a living.
He plays his cards well, and does everything right before they are to meet to the point where she is sexting him and basically letting him know that she is going to fuck his brains out when he arrives. All he has to do is show up now. His friends had really built him up, they talked on the phone and she was telling him how she hoped he would like her when they finally met in a few weeks. He did such a good job at winding her up she was sexting him almost daily.
Then what does he do? He had a weekend where he was throwing himself a personal pity party and doing his best to convince himself what a loser he is, even though all of his friends love the shit out of him and think he is the greatest guy. So he texts her that he is not coming because he is such a mess and not in a place where he can meet anyone right now. Can you believe that? He gets a Goddess served up on a silver platter who is dying to meet him, and then he blows her off. I have written several past articles using his emails which you can read here, here, here, here and here. This is his latest email where again he is talking about quitting:
Corey… Hello, hope all is well. Letting you know that I will not be able to afford a session next week (yet again). If you have time the following week same deal-Tuesday 1 pm let me know. Otherwise, any other day ought to be alright. Other than that, I`m struggling big time to get a handle on anything and everything that we`ve talked about. It all seems ridiculous to me, for I still see it all one-sidedly. That is, the whole “self-improvement” deal is a joke to me. I understand that behind every “can`t” is a “won`t”. At least I get that, but my naive and lonely soul ain’t got what it takes to make the grade. As I`ve expressed before, I only think that all the hip and cool “ladies men” are as successful as they are because of destiny and it is all supposed to happen that way for them. Furthermore, it has to be impossible to go from below-average Joe to a badass guy that is wanted by all the hotties and greatest women around. Shakespeare said nothing comes of nothing,so there you go.
I`m takin one last coaching session from ya, and then I`m done for good because this shit ain’t no good for me. I`ve accepted my abysmal lot in life and am not giving any more effort towards some lofty goal, as it`s all futility`s reasons. How can anyone suggest a list daily of the things one is thankful for… when I have nothing! It makes no sense at all.
Ya know that perfect 10 I was telling you about from Peoria? That experience with her really fucked me up and makes me feel bad a lot, because I failed miserably with an elite woman and I`ve been forced to settle for what I can get for all time. Sure, I got played too, but I should have never asked her out to begin with. All this work I`m supposed to do is too much for one to handle. You are either born with “it” or you ain’t!
As far as Veterinary school… more than likely not, as trucking will miserably be my fate. Going to school ain’t gonna get me what I want. Do you know what it`s like to be shunned by all good looking girls and be laughed at and mocked regularly? I doubt it. Whenever I do got out (once every 3 months or so) I watch all the happy bikers and their badass women having a good time. I can`t even order a beer without some pathetic attitude from some bartender who`s hot! So you tell me, is it worth doing a 180 and busting my ass to work for what I want? It`s getting harder and harder to believe in that. Even when I`m feeling good, the ultra cool are outpacing me by light-years and scoring untold happiness and pleasure. I guess I`m meant to be a side liner always. What a un-wonderful world it is! Have a nice day.
I have rescheduled your next phone coaching session as requested for next Tuesday, same time. Thank you so much for giving several days notice that you needed to move our session!
I encourage you to go back and re-read all of the articles that I have painstakingly taken dozens of hours of my own personal time to write in order to help you. I can only help people who are willing to help themselves. As I have stated numerous times, you MUST participate in your own rescue.
If you want to condemn yourself to continuing to live a life, lifestyle and career that sucks, then that is YOUR CHOICE. If you want to self-sabotage every good opportunity you have in life so you can continue to give life to the bullshit meme/story that “you are a loser and only lucky guys get to enjoy life” when you have already experienced and continue to turn down new great experiences (the chick in Peoria, going back to college to become a veterinarian, moving to warmer weather, rockin out with your cock out (he’s also a musician), new fun job tending bar in a college town, etc.), then that is YOUR CHOICE. All this stuff you want to do, I can help you get there. I can’t do it for you. You must do it for yourself. I can only guide, encourage, mentor and help you discover what you really want in life. You know what that is now. Its all up to you.
Its disappointing to me personally as your coach and friend to spend countless hours carefully crafting articles that address your concerns, sometimes spending more than the hour you pay me for on our coaching sessions (sometimes giving you TWO HOURS OF MY TIME during coaching sessions and only charging you for one because I care that much and sincerely want to help you), hearing you tell me I have helped you more than 16 years of counseling has, only to get these whiney and unappreciative emails for my efforts where you recycle and puke-up the same nonsense about how other guys have it better than you. I’m not going to feel sorry for you.
In every moment of every day, you are choosing who you are going to be. You either choose to help yourself and take action, or you choose to act like you are helpless. You are an awesome guy and all of your friends tell you the same thing constantly. Grow up. Take some responsibility for your own actions. WHO YOU ARE AND WHO YOU BECOME IN THE FUTURE IS DETERMINED BY WHAT YOU DO/OR FAIL TO DO RIGHT NOW IN EVERY FRESH NEW MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE. Every moment you are either working to help yourself create a better life or complaining about what is not in your life yet.
“Faith is believing in what you do not yet see; the reward for this faith is to see what you believed” – St. Augustine
“Faith without action is meaningless.” – Buddha
That’s something to think about.
On every phone session we have had, every email I have responded to and every article I have written for you has been my best effort. I play full-out every time and all the time. I always give it my best. You on the other hand, do more talking and complaining than taking action. Is that acceptable to you? Does it serve you to continue to make a half-ass effort to change your circumstances? Have you really given me your best effort in return to help yourself and start to make your life the way you want it? I think not.
Every time you look in the mirror you see the person who is responsible for your life being the way it is. He’s also the only person who can make it better. One day at a time. Inch by inch and sometimes millimeter by millimeter.
You Must Fight For Every Last Desperate Inch To Achieve Your Goals
Winners never quit, and quitters never win.