What you should do if you just want your girlfriend back, but she’s backing off, saying she needs space or won’t have sex anymore.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a twenty-year-old United States Marine. He met his girlfriend last July. Things started off great, and they fell in love right away. Then he left on a deployment in September for seven months. He’s been back from deployment almost a month now. She doesn’t want to have sex with him, is asking for space and he just wants to spend time with and make love to the love of his life. He’s leaving in May for another four-month deployment. He says that he just wants to know how to get his girlfriend back. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
Hi Mr. Wayne,
My name is Bob. I’m a 20-year-old United States Marine. (Semper Fi Marine, and thank you for your service.) My girlfriend and I have been together since July of 2016, and we quickly grew very close to each other and fell in love. I left for deployment in early September for 7 months. Everything went great the whole deployment. We love and missed each other and would FaceTime almost every day, talk about our day and how much she wished she had me back.
(It’s important when you’re away on deployment like that, she is pursuing you more. Ideally, you should think of FaceTime as your dates during the week, because if you’re talking every single day about every single detail for hours on end, there’s really no time to miss each other. There’s no time to really appreciate the distance between the two of you.
Women are kind of like cats. When you spend a lot of time together and you talk a lot, you get really familiar, and they tend to get a little bored. It’s subtle and it happens slowly. You don’t really notice it, but what happens is, she’s less enthusiastic, she has less things to talk about, she’s typically not as focused as she normally would be. That’s why it’s so important, as I talk about in my book, that a guy never really needs to do more than 20-30% of the calling, texting and pursuing in the beginning. And when you’re in a relationship, it’s very rare. You want to maintain that mystery, that sexual anticipation, that buildup, because scarcity creates value. Too much of anything makes us feel like shit, so anything we do to excess, we tend to not appreciate it.)
I got back from deployment almost a month ago, and she has had a very hard time adjusting to me being back. (That really sucks. That’s the result of over-pursuing, getting too familiar, and not hanging out, having fun and hooking up. Your job as a man is to create an opportunity for sex to happen, not to be her pal or her therapist. A lot of guys fall into the trap of talking and FaceTiming every day, where it becomes more platonic, and there’s no distance. There’s no time for sexual anticipation to build up, because you’re always texting. Slowly, the woman starts backing away, and men will fall under the Illusion of Action by doing too much.
The sexual polarity gets screwed up because you went from this mysterious, sexy, unknown man to this guy she’s kind of bored with, like a brother almost. When a guy gets out of his masculine and into his feminine, the sexual polarity and attraction evaporates instantly. When one or both of the people gets out of their sexual natural sexual polarity, it turns into a platonic friendship.)
We haven’t even had sex since we’ve been back. I recently messed up very badly and ended up having a meltdown on a night that should have been a very fun night, but I ended up ruining her night. (You’re supposed to be the fun escape from her dull, boring life, not bringing more drama into it. You’re supposed to be the rock, the mountain.) She eventually admitted to me that she loves me, but right now she’s not IN love with me, (Scarcity creates value, so in other words, she’s had too much of a good thing, and now she’s sick of it and doesn’t want it), which was very hard to hear. (Yeah, it’s like a swift kick to your balls.) We’re hoping with time and space that things can go back to the way they were before I leave, but I don’t have much time, because I’m leaving again late May for possibly 4 months.
The reason for her not being able to adjust to me being back is because her dad walked out at a very young age, and she is used to people leaving her life and not coming back. (That sounds like a great logical, rational excuse that she gave you, and maybe she has issues with that, but it’s not your job to fix her.
You’re supposed to be her lover, not her platonic friend or her gay male girlfriend. You’re supposed to be the fun guy. You’re supposed to be the escape. You’re supposed to make an opportunity for sex to happen. The greatest gift you can give anybody is the gift of your time, and the way she’s acting is like your time is fucking useless. Therefore, she gets the gift of missing you, because she hasn’t been treating you properly.)
So she got used to me being gone and used to our relationship being over FaceTime. (You just got too familiar with each other, and the power probably flipped at some point. Look how she’s showing up. She’s acting like she’s busy and has better things to do.) Now that I’m back, her brain is confused as to why I’m back. (I’d say it’s low attraction. In other words, you talked to her too much, and you probably talked her out of liking you. And with whatever drama you caused, it was like throwing a hand grenade right into your relationship.)
I really don’t understand it, but I try my best to be patient with her and give her space. But it is so hard to finally be back with the love of your life, and they aren’t reciprocating the love. (Obviously, you’re trying to force it by calling and texting too much. You’ve definitely become the woman in the relationship dude. You’re over-pursuing, and you need to cut that shit out. You definitely need to review my article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” You’ve got to let women come to you at their own pace, especially when a woman is pushing you away. Let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing from now on. If you hear from her, assume she wants to see you, and make a date at your place. Have dinner at your place, hang out, have fun and hook up.)
Things were perfect and now it’s like a night and day difference. (Women don’t dump men they’re in love with and can’t get enough of. Look at my last two videos, “She’s Mad Because I Don’t Chase,” and “She’s Mad I Don’t Chase: Part Deux.” In the beginning, she was obviously pursuing you because it was her idea, and what happened is you became the woman and started pursuing her. She started pushing you way, and instead of backing off, you started to pursue more, forcing it, and started getting upset with her because she wasn’t giving you what you want.)
I gave her everything and treated her so well. I don’t know what else to do to get her to love me again, (It’s not about you doing anything. The key is to let her fall in love with you.You want her to earn another chance to be with you, not the other way around), but I do know that she is the only woman I want. I will not give up on her. (It’s not up to you. It’s got to be the woman’s idea. What you need to do is bury yourself in my book. You’ve got to learn the fundamentals. When you read the book, it will really help you self-diagnose.) Please give me any advice you can. I don’t need formal coaching. I just want my girlfriend back. (You need to read the book 10-15 times, you need to stop all pursuit of this girl, and you need to wait to hear from her. When you do hear from her, make a date at your place to make dinner together in the evening.
If she doesn’t want to do that, just say, “No, I’ve been back for a month. I’m tired, I’m going to be deployed in another month or two, and I’d really like to have a nice, quiet, romantic evening with you. If you don’t want to come over and do that, then give me a call in a few weeks.” In other words, she agrees to come over to your place to make dinner together, or you’re going to withdraw the offer, and you’re only going to ask her on two separate consecutive occasions. From that point forward, she’ll either reach out or stop contacting you altogether. Your plan of action is to fill in your knowledge gap and learn the fundamentals by reading my book.)
Thank you so much,
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Relationships are designed to help us grow, become more and reach our full potential together. Life is our relationships with other people. Great relationships celebrate and encourage the freedom of each member to be who they really are with encouragement instead of judgment. People who make you feel free to be and express who you are, help you to expand. Those who judge and try to diminish you make you feel like you are losing your freedom and contracting. Surround yourself with like-minded teammates who share the same goals and values in life. Together you will meet other like-minded friends and lovers to achieve your outcomes together. People who like the same things tend to like each other and automatically attract other like-minded people. If you can’t find what you’re looking for, create what you want to be a part of, and the right people will find you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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