The process and actions you can employ to keep from feeling off your game when you are dating high quality women you don’t want to lose.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a viewer whose email I discussed in the recent video coaching newsletter titled, “Dating A Dominant Alpha Female.” He gives an update on what happened since his last email. He says he feels off his game when he dates women that he perceives to be a 9 or a 10. He asks what he can do to keep this from happening in the future.
The second email is from a guy who has struggled with dating the upper echelon of women in the dating pool. He details some of his back and forth with his new girl and how he takes corrective action when he notices he is pursuing too much and causing her to back off. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
A couple of weeks ago, I did a video and newsletter called “Dating A Dominant Alpha Female.” I kind of reamed him out a little bit and told him to take the stick out of his ass. He was being a little too stiff and not playful enough. So, obviously he’s taken some corrective action since then, but he’s got some other things he’s kind of struggling with mindset-wise.
When we chase and pursue too much, we’re not allowing the other person to love us. We’re trying to force them to love us. As the great Thich Nhat Hanh says, “You must love in such a way that the other person you love feels free.” If the other person doesn’t feel that way, they’re going to move away. And if we don’t stop, eventually we’ll bounce them right out of our life.
First Viewer’s Email:
I’ve been dating about 3-4 different girls a week now, and since girls are plentiful for the first time in my life, (thanks to what I learned in your book).
I’ve decided to cut out dating or matching with any girls that I perceive less than an 8.
Why wouldn’t you? Because the reality is, you’re going to make a better effort if you’re dating what you perceive to be a 9 or a 10. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. A woman that I think is a 10 and a smokeshow, you might be kind of like, “Ehh. She’s kind of mediocre Corey. Doesn’t do anything for me.” And vice-versa.
So, I’m only putting attention into 8s, 9s and 10s and the connections are a-comin!
This is new for him. A lot of times it’s the physical beauty and what you perceive. And the more you date, spend time with and get to seduce these kinds of women, the more you start to realize, you’re really not that impressed. Just because she’s hot, you might not like her personality. You just might not find her interesting, or a conversationalist, or really jive with how she lives her life and how she spends her spare time.
If you’re not used to dating them like that, it’s like you have a fantasy of what you think she is. But that’s why it’s so important, you know, repetition is the mother of skill. You have to date a lot. You have to experiment a lot. It’s like test-driving a used car. You’ve got to try before you buy. Most people don’t really have choices, and they just marry the first person that comes along.
I tried reaching back out to agent super bitch and she didn’t respond, but you gave great advice.
This was the woman from the “Dating A Dominant Alpha Female” video I mentioned earlier.
It was a hard lesson to swallow, but your video response made a lot of sense, and I totally had a stick up my ass. I also learned that every situation is different, and I need to be more flexible and not be robotic in my actions.
He just had to employ some more humor, because he kind of came across as being butt-hurt and controlling. When you’re applying the stuff in the book, just like when I was learning myself, sometimes you pursue too much. Sometimes you’re too much of a cold fish, and you back off too much. It’s finding that right level.
If you grow up in a family where you get plenty of strokes as a kid, your parents love you, and they build up your self-esteem, you feel good about yourself naturally. You’re going to match and mirror with a woman who kind of feels the same way about themselves, and you’re not going to be doing these types of things to chase her out of your life.
But for those of us like myself, and obviously this guy and probably a lot of people watching this video, we have to learn this, because we didn’t learn it in childhood. It’s like Master Yoda said, “we have to unlearn what we have learned.“
I’ve really embraced the law of attraction lately, and I spend time each day imagining what it “feels” like to be with the perfect woman and then detaching from it.
It’s good to kind of daydream and think about it. As Wayne Dyer used to say, “you want to contemplate yourself as being surrounded by the kind of conditions you want to create.” And that’s what part of it is, because your mind doesn’t know the difference between reality and imagination. So, if you get used to what it feels like, then you encounter that person, you’ve kind of already prepped yourself for it, and the universe kind of sends you the right people to match and mirror your beliefs and your perceptions about yourself.
Seems like every time I let go of the fear of being alone and create space, a new, amazing woman comes along out of nowhere.
You’ve got to get to the point where you’re detaching from it. If it happens, you could care less. Great. If it doesn’t happen, that’s okay too. Time is going to pass. And eventually, with enough time, and enough space, and enough practice and repetition, you’ll get another opportunity with somebody else.
That’s why you have to continually circulate and keep moving amongst humanity in your personal life, your professional life and your social life, so you encounter new prospects. And then when an opportunity presents itself, you’re ready, and you can take advantage of it.
My problem is, I’ve noticed that when I perceive a woman as a 9 or a 10, I can’t help feeling slightly off my game.
Well, this is because you’re just not used to dating these kinds of women. And if you didn’t get enough strokes as a kid, on some level you’re thinking, “I don’t deserve this. There’s no way she’s really going to love me.”
Probably up until this point in your life, until you discovered my work, every time you did meet a woman like this, your fears and your insecurities took over and literally chased her right out of your life and turned her off, because you displayed so many unattractive behaviors.
I was wondering if you had any advice for combating the distortion a guy feels while dating chicks classified in the upper echelon of the dating pool. I can’t seem to not get phased and wanted some tips on how to stay cooler than cool in the presence of a highly rated woman. (Kinda like John Travolta in Pulp Fiction).
It’s like what I talked about in the quote in the beginning. You’ve got to match and mirror her actions, her level of effort. Because naturally, women’s attraction for you and their interest and effort, it’s never going to be consistent. It’s going to be kind of up and down.
It’s just like a cat. If you’ve ever been around a cat, it jumps up in your lap, you pet it, it starts to purr. You enjoy petting it, you like the affection the cat’s giving you. The cat seems to like it. And then at some point, the cat just doesn’t want to be touched anymore. Then it gets up, and it leaves. It goes and does it’s own thing.
And when you chase after it and you pick it back up, then it really doesn’t want to stay in your lap. It will run away from you. But if you just let it go, eventually the cat will come back to you, rub your leg, and eventually jump back up into your lap again.
That’s why I say, women are like cats. They really are. They really behave that way. It’s kind of fascinating. When you understand that, you see that, and you practice that and you have enough repetitions… because the kind of women you’re used to always getting, you’re no longer really interested in them. Before, you didn’t really have much of a choice. Now that you’re starting to have choice with women, you’re stepping outside of your comfort zone. You’re having to deal with your insecurities, your fears and your doubts.
You have to have enough time and repetition on dates, and take enough of these 8s, 9s and 10s through the seduction process so all of those successes replace the fears that you have about yourself, and you just get used to them being in your life. It’s just going to take time and repetition.
The key is to get good at matching and mirroring that behavior that they’re displaying. If the cat jumps out of your lap, let it be. It’ll come back. If you spend two or three days together in a row, maybe you spend a weekend together, and by Monday morning it just kind of feels like she’s just not as excited to be around you as she was, don’t take it personally.
It’s just the kitty cat got a little bored. It’ll come back. You have to trust that it’s going to come back. And if it doesn’t come back, that’s okay too. Because you want the other person to choose you willingly. You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free, so you’ve got to just let her be.
I ask myself what makes me feel slightly off my game, and it never seems totally clear.
It’s fear that you won’t be loved. Fear that she may leave you for good, and you may lose out on the 8, the 9 or the 10, because up until this point in life, that’s all you know. That’ all of your life experience. Your beliefs, your actions and your experience in life are all completely a match.
So, by employing the stuff that’s in my book, “How To Be A 3% Man,” you’re starting to actually date these kinds of women, but it’s still new. You just don’t have enough experience yet to overcome this fear and belief. I discussed it in my book. I went through the same process. It’s just a mind-fuck. It’s what you’re telling yourself. It’s your self-perception.
You just need enough time in relationships with these kinds of women. When you date a woman like that for a year or two, you no longer fear losing a woman. You realize it’s not really that big of a deal.
But practice makes perfect, and I’m getting better at it.
There you go. That’s the key. It’s just you need more time and repetition. That’s all.
Thank you for all your help. I bought your book, and I make it a point to like each video you put out.
I always appreciate that. Like, comment and subscribe.
I’ve also suggested your book to every friend I have that’s having trouble with women. You’re a cool ass dude Corey, and I would be lost right now without your book and videos.
I appreciate that. You’re a good student, and you’re getting there. Give yourself a chance to learn and be a beginner every day.
Second Viewer’s Email:
Thank you for sharing your knowledge with all of us that are open to it. I’ve shared your work with several people, and they have bought your book and helped turn their lives around. One of my brothers on the other hand was not open to it and has not done anything. He is continuing to have weight and marital issues.
He just hasn’t hit the wall yet metaphorically. Hitting the wall is basically the point where you’re like, “I’m fucking tired of this. I’m done with this. I’ve got to figure this out. I’m tired of this pain, and I’m just no longer going to put up with it.” He hasn’t gotten there yet. He’s not disgusted enough with himself or his life. Maybe it takes his wife leaving him, or cheating on him, or divorcing him. When he’s in enough pain, he’ll usually do something about it.
People don’t come to me when things are going well. They come to me when they’re trying to get out of pain. And then that’s when I can influence them. That’s when they’re actually open to learning something new, and he’s just not open to it. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.
I however read your book over 15 times. Usually once every other month for over 2 years after I “hit the wall” with a girl. I made a donation of what I could afford right now and will continue to make donations as I grow both of my businesses.
I definitely appreciate the donations. And if you’re on YouTube, if you just click “Show More,” there’s a link in there if you want to make a donation. You can set up recurring donations or do a one-time donation. If you want to go to my website, UnderstandingRelationships.com there’s a toolbar at the bottom of your screen. Click the donate button there. Donations are always appreciated.
I was unhappy with my AC business and looked for something else to do, and Axe Throwing came up in my life exactly when it was supposed to. I was open 4 months before Covid shut me down for 3 months. I was able to reopen, because I was able to continue my AC business, and I lived appropriately for my income level.
Yeah, you always want your revenue to exceed your expenses.
After reopening, I knew the 1.5 year relationship I was in was fantastic and with a very high quality girl that I could be content with for the rest of my life, but it wasn’t 100% and I had to end it. It was so tough to do, and she is an amazing person and deserves better than someone that is content.
This woman helped me become better at this relationship stuff. I never learned any of this growing up and had a horrible upbringing with a confidence destroying father and brother. I now have multiple father figures in my life that love me as their own son.
My older brother respects, loves me, and now I am more of the older brother. A lot of this was due to me enrolling in jiu jitsu and doing MMA fights. I am a black belt in jiu jitsu and still compete in professional jiu jitsu matches at 41 years old.
Good job dude.
This built my confidence and started me on a path to being alpha. Your work has taken it to another level in all my relationships and business.
Where this thank you applies currently. Businesses are doing well, and I have a girl that I’ve known for about 1.5 years and we have had a connection, but she was fresh out of a relationship and part of a friend’s group. I’ve only hung out with her in a group a hand full of times, but there was a crazy amount of attraction between us. Again, she was newly dating someone, and I didn’t want the bad karma, so I let it be.
Just as I was ending the relationship with my girlfriend, she put herself in my orbit.
Amazing how that works. Preparation meeting opportunity.
She wanted to “check out” my axe place, and she came to throw axes with me. We left for drinks, and she wanted to come back and throw axes again, so we did, and that’s when I went for the kiss after some playful teasing. We have been seeing each other a bunch, and the sex is amazing. She is coming over tonight to make her specialty for dinner, and I will make her feel extra special in the sheets.
So, here was the issue and the correction. Friday, she started to become a little distant and said something about she “messed up but it’s all good now.” She said she would tell me when we met Monday (today). I didn’t try to get more info, as it was through texting. I could see she was backing off, and I backed off. I matched and mirrored her level.
This is the correct approach. The cat got a little bored. You don’t know. More than likely, the ex is probably trying to come back into her life. When that happens, she’s going to back off and test all of the guys that are competing for her attention. If you just let her be, and everybody else is chasing her, what happens? The kitty cat is going to go, “What happened to that guy? Why isn’t he calling me as much? Is he not as into me? Is he dating somebody else?” Curiosity.
Cats are very curious. Be mysterious and give cats reason to be curious about you, and they’ve got to come figure out what the hell is going on and why they’re so interested in you.
I realized I had been texting way too much, and I backed off. She barely texted me Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and at night before bed on Sunday she texted, and I called her for 12 minutes and got off the phone. She sounded so happy that I stopped the texting and called her. I almost didn’t see what was going on, but your work had helped.
I watched videos again on texting that attracts, passing her tests, how much contact is too much, thoughts on texting, dating: texting, calling & messaging, texting that attracts vs. repels, and finally days when she pulls back.
I like this girl and feel crazy attraction for her, but it’s only been a month of getting together, so I’m trying to keep the mystery and intrigue between us. She wasn’t really into the last guy she dated and tried to make it work, and she tried to communicate with the guy but to no avail. She had to end it. He was a clingy beta male with no sensory acuity. I believe the excessive texting started to make her feel like that way again, and that it was becoming a relationship too soon.
Yeah, she just wasn’t feeling free, because keep in mind, she just got out of a relationship, and you’re probably smothering her a bit. But it’s great that you recognize that, because you noticed her actions. You noticed her backing off. You noticed her being different, you matched and mirrored that, and it worked like magic. You went almost three days without hardly hearing from her.
Most guys freak out when that happens and they think, “I’ve got to do something. Is there something wrong? Why aren’t you calling me as much? Why aren’t you texting me as much?” The kitty cat’s bored. It has nothing to do with you. Just let it be.
I had asked her previously, what was the most important thing to her in a relationship, and her response was freedom.
Isn’t that interesting?
Your work has helped me realize these problems and the corrective actions. For now, we will see what happens, but I feel armed with knowledge and I am now able to remain calm, cool, and collected.
The first guy, take note, because this guy is doing perfect. He’s doing a great job. Notice, he’s not doing all of the perfect actions, but he recognized that he was fucking up and took the proper corrective action. That’s the important thing. Guys that don’t know any better, they just don’t stop until they get ghosted.
I wanted to give enough info that maybe this is shared in the future to help someone else that has met someone like the girl I am seeing now, and they don’t fuck it up. I will continue to share with those open to making progress in their lives and donate when I can.
If you’re up in the Philly region, please come in for some axe throwing at my place on me. I appreciate you and your sharing of knowledge.
Have a fan-fucking-tastic day sir.
Thanks for sharing that great success story, because I know it’s going to help a lot of guys. This is a super-common problem, especially with guys like me that just didn’t get enough strokes in the family, and you just doubt yourself. You doubt your worthiness. You just need the time and repetition.
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“People who grow up in families that are dysfunctional usually suffer from a lack of love and affection. This causes them to doubt themselves, their worthiness and to feel like they don’t deserve to be loved. One of the two primary human fears is that we won’t be loved and accepted. If we don’t get enough strokes and love as children, we usually grow up and try to chase and force people we desire to love us. We act needy, controlling and desperate. This causes them to pull away and if we do not back off properly, leave us for good. If you notice this happening in your love life, it’s always best to match and mirror the actions of the other person when this happens to give them the space and time to miss and then move towards you again. Over time, this will balance out how you feel about yourself, so you no longer chase people out of your life, but instead, allow them to love you. Love is allowing.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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